Saturday, May 20, 2006

Rules to live by in the Army

I just thought this was too funny not to share.

Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to do. He collected those things into a hillarious list and posted them to the web.

1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.
2. My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'.
3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
6. Not allowed to play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
7. Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.
9. Not allowed to title any product 'Get Over it'.
10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time.
11. Not allowed to join the communist party.
12. Not allowed to join any militia.
13. Not allowed to form any militia.
14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.
15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to 'Sic Brass!'
16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'.
17. God may not contradict any of my orders.
18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on duty.
19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.
20. Must not taunt the French any more.
21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.
22. Must never call an SAS a 'Wanker'.
23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.
24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.
25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
26. Never tell a German soldier that 'We kicked your ass in World War 2!'
27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).
28. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).
29. The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.
30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
35. Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Megadeth during airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker')
36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).
37. Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa', not 'Dr. Feelgood'.
38. Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy'.
39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
40. I do not have super-powers.
41. 'Keep on Trucking' is *not* a psychological warfare message.
42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.
43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
44. I am not the atheist chaplain.
45. I am not allowed to 'Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddies little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies'.
46. I am not authorized to fire officers.
47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.
48. Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'.
49. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
50. Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military operations.
51. Not allowed to yell 'Take that Cobra' at the rifle range.
52. Not allowed to quote 'Full Metal Jacket ' at the rifle range.
53. 'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase.
54. An order to 'Put Kiwi on my boots' does *not* involve fruit.
55. An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve electrical tape.
56. The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'
57. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
58. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
59. 'The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command.
60. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean 'I have been promoted three more times than you'.
61. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
62. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
63. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
64. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
65. There is no 'Anti-Mime' campaign in Bosnia.
66. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
67. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to 'Block out the space mind control lasers'.
68. May not pretend to be a facist stormtrooper, while on duty.
69. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
70. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.
71. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
72. No military functions are to be performed 'Skyclad'.
73. Woad is not camouflage makeup.
74. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
75. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence.
76. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."
77. I may not call block my chain of command.
78. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
79. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
80. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
81. May not form any press gangs.
82. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."
83. Must not use military vehicles to 'Squish' things.
84. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.
85. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the 'field of honor'.
86. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
87. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as 'Mom'.
88. Must not refer to the Commander as 'Dad'.
89. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.
90. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
91. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony 'Romper Bomper Stomper Boo' is probably not appropriate.
92. Nerve gas is not funny.
93. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
94. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
95. 'Redneck Zombies' is not a military training aid.
96. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
97. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not 'Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.'
98. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.
99. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
100. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.
101. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".
102. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.
103. Vodka, green food coloring, and a 'Cool Mint' Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.
104. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
105. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD's.
106. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
107. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.
108. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
109. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.
110. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.
111. When saluting a 'leg' officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".
112. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from 'Full Monty' every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".
113. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.
114. Crucifying mice - bad idea.
115. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.
116. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
117. I cannot arrest children for being rude.
118. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.
119. I should not use government resources to 'waterproof' dirty magazines.
120. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
121. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
122. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
123. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
124. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
125. "No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages" does not imply that a Jack Daniel's ® IV is acceptable.
126. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.
127. The Microsoft ® "Dancing Paperclip" is not authorized to countermand any orders.
128. "I'm drunk" is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.
129. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.
130. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
131. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
132. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.
133. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
134. Shouting 'Let's do the village! Let's do the whole f**king village!' while out on a mission is bad.
135. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.
136. Even if my commander did it.
137. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.
138. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
139. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove 'The Pen is Mightier than the sword'.
140. 'Calvin-Ball' is not authorized PT.
141. I do not need to keep a 'range card' by my window.
142. 'K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free' is not an authorized uniform.
143. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
144. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
145. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.
146. Putting red 'Mike and Ike's' ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
147. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.
148. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.
149. The proper way to report to my Commander is 'Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir' not 'You can't prove a thing!'
150. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.
151. I should not assign new privates to 'guard the flight line'. .
152. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
153. I will no longer perform 'lap-dances' while in uniform.
154. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.
155. The revolution is not now.
156. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.
157. No part of the military uniform is edible.
158. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
159. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
160. Take that hat off.
161. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
162. I do not get 'that time of month'.
163. No, the pants are not optional.
164. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
165. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
166. Not even if they *are* 'especially patriotic films'
167. Not allowed to 'defect' to OPFOR during training missions.
168. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.
169. 'A full magazine and some privacy' is not the way to help a potential suicide.
170. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
171. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).
172. We do not 'charge into battle, naked, like the Celts'.
173. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.
174. I am not to refer to a formation as 'the boxy rectangle thingie'.
175. I am not 'A lesbian trapped in a man's body'.
176. On Army documents, my race is not 'Other'.
177. Nor is it 'Secretariat, in the third'.
178. Pok魯n® trainer is not an MOS.
179. There is no FM for 'wall-to-wall counseling'.
180. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
181. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something 'I saw in a cartoon'.
182. My name is not a killing word.
183. I am not the Emperor of anything.
184. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.
185. May not challenge officers to 'Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn'.
186. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.
187. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.
188. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
189. The proper response to a briefing is not 'That's what you think'.
190. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.
191. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.
192. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
193. I am not allowed to give tattoos.
194. I am not allowed to sing 'Henry the VIII I am' until verse 68 ever again.
195. Not allowed to lead a 'Coup' during training missions.
196. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
197. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
198. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.
199. 'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.
200. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."
201. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")
202. Not allowed to get shot.
203. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civlians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.
204. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)
205. Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.
206. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.
207. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.
208. Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Procrastination makes perfect

Day 41. Wow 10 days since last post. I saw that Bane had 85 posts last month wonder how he thinks of so much stuff.

Well I am sitting here thinking of anything I can do to avoid finishing this week's sermon. I don't know why I do it, but I do find it very annoying. Sometimes I am just easily distracted I guess. OK so much of the time I am easily distracted. On the bright side I did get my office cleaned up and my books have never been more in order.

This week I spent most of my time visiting the troops at work. I am getting better at finding them wherever they work. I even went out on a patrol to see some of the guys I hardly ever see around. I was supposed to go out again today but that got SNAFUed. I have had some of the usual chaplain crisis', Relationship problems, work problems and just people missing home. One guy said that this place was good for him mostly because we are not allowed to drink here.

I have been working on creating a time and a place where people come to just hang out after work, or before work depending upon how you look at it. A few guys come by almost everyday just to pick on the guitar (I know at this point Diff is thinking, "Hey what did the guitar do?".) To which I have been getting better at playing. I hope to play well enough when I get home to have some worship times with friends at my home. At the moment I am somewhat limited on space due to a finite amount of room in my office. Well the problem of limited space will potentially be solved tomorrow. One of the guys is going to build me a porch; it will not be air conditioned, but plenty of more room. It is not always easy to find everyone so I thought one good way to minister to them would be to get them to come to me.

This week also saw a cool landmark. We get mortored here almost everyday. Fortunately a vast number of them are way off course. Well one that was potentially on course got shot down the other day by our air defense guys. Hooray for them. Other good news is that we caught the buggers shooting the thing. So it was like a double play day for our guys.

Well I had better get to finishing this week's sermon. I am currently in Judges. We are taking a trip from Genesis to Revelation. I am not sure if we will make it all the way to Rev yet, but we will see.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Its been awhile since...

Day 31. I apologize to those who faithfully check back again and again to see if I have posted anything. Ha ha who am I kidding. Anyway, believe me I have started to post a few times over the last couple of weeks but they all sounded lame. This post may be lame, but I just wanted you to know that I was still here. So excuse me if I ramble a little, it is what I have been wanting to do but I haven't given myself the room to so far. Maybe I have been trying to be to serious lately.

For all of you with an AKO account, I have just discovered AKO IM chat. It is nice to be able to chat with the few of you on my list. The internet service I am able to use here blocks all other chat software. Got to maintain some positive control on the information that goes out there. I even had to register this blogsite so that someone can make sure I am not giving away any sensitive information. I am still not clear on what counts exactly, I just steer away from writing anything specific.

Well I am getting into some form of a schedule now. It seems like everyone else is as well. It is certainly a stress reliever to be somewhat familiar with the place where you live. It still seems strange to me to wake up here every morning. Usually I get up from some nice dream land and then remember that I am far from home. I have 2 room mates and one of them usually wakes me up even though he tries to be quiet.

Some days, just like at home, I wake up and have to hurry off to whatever I have planned. Today was no different, woke up late and rushed out the door on to my first appointment. I went to visit the gravel pit today. Interestingly enough it is completely outside of our base. Today was the first time I have been more than a few steps off the base since I arrived here. Anyway at the gravel pit they check truck going in and out filled with gravel, dirt, sand etc...

It doesn't sound like an exciting job, but it is. There is a lot of contact with LNs(Local Nationals) and TCNs (Third Country Nationals) there at the gravel pit. Our guys make sure these guys are who they say they are. The soldiers I talked to were glad to be "out doing something" as opposed to sitting in the base and watching a computer screen or something like that. One interesting thing I noticed is that most of the population is armed with AK-47s. Not all of them are very nice but still its a machine gun. Got to love that huh.

Well I started my bible study last week and it has gone well so far. There has been a lot of good response to the group. We are using a book from one of my Sem teachers Sinclair Ferguson, Lets Study Mark. I like his books because they are easy to understand and that is exactly what I want for these guys. I thought that we would start out with the Gospel seeing as it is the focus of scripture and what more action packed Gospel to start out with than Mark. I have a syllabus and everything, I feel like a real teacher.

I am doing 2 services on Sundays. I started in Genesis back in Camp Shelby and we have made it up to Numbers. I plan on going through each book and building upon a theme of God's relationship with man. We started with Abraham's covenant in Gen 15. I do not really have this whole thing planned out, but I trust that it will work out OK. For services I have a really great worship leader. His name is SPC Walton, he is one of those guys that just loves to play worship. You can see it on his face whenever he plays. I thank God every day that he is here to help me.

I have been working on my guitar playing. I am no Jimi Hendrix but doing well I think. I can already play a couple of songs, and my fingers hurt everyday. It has also had an effect on my typing, my fingers just do not type like they used to cause I can't feel the keys as well. It might be the keyboard to my laptop or a combination of both I don't know.

Lets see what else. I have become addicted to energy drinks. Yes I know they are mostly just sugar and caffeine but I like. I should write a song about them I think. Hmmm that gives me an idea. More later.

Well think I have rambled enough, promise to write sooner next time.

Chaplain Todd